My Story

Who I am

I remember my first counselling session. Not knowing where to begin or what I would say. The only thing I knew for sure was I could no longer function the way I had been for all these years. I was in a new-ish romantic relationship, a single brown mom in my early 30s, raising a nine-year-old son with the same fear-based energy that had shaped my upbringing. I was carrying the cloud of shame that hung over me as my son had entered this world out of wedlock. I lacked what some might call a 'real' job or impressive education. In the eyes of many, I let down and shamed my family and felt like a failure.

Where it all began

I was brought up in a lower-middle-class, immigrant, religious household. I believe my parents aspired to achieve the success stories they witnessed around them. Tales of opportunity and wealth a Western first-world country was bound to provide. But, it didn’t turn out that way. My dad's mental health, coupled with my mom's increasing physical disabilities, created a challenging situation. The home environment was unpredictable. While lighthearted moments filled our home, they were often overshadowed by the uncertainty of someone triggering a chain of unfortunate events.

I learned to become fearful of anger because of how it was expressed. I was expected to go the extra mile but taught not to ask for anything, because then I would be indebted or judged for being needy or incapable. I treated my body with little regard or respect as it had acclimated to punitive, harsh treatment. I learned to be an agreeable helper and caregiver. I desperately craved a sense of belonging but mistook it for fitting in. Shape-shifting led to repeated situations that left me feeling more like an outcast than ever. I swung between diffusing people's ‘negative’ emotions or absorbing them. I learned to read (predict) reactions before they occurred, keeping me in a constant state of worry.

Above all, I was called a ‘good’ girl. A label that came with praise, validation and worth.

I adapted to the environment, and various innocent coping mechanisms developed as a result. I now recognize these strategies as a form of survival for which I am grateful.

Eventually, I no longer wanted to be good - I wanted to be FREE.

Where that led me

Fast forward to my early 30’s, I knew I needed help. My relationships felt strained, I felt unfulfilled in my career at that time, I was deeply insecure and felt I was letting my son and partner down. All of this bubbled inside of me erupting in the most irresponsible ways. I needed somewhere soft to land. A place where I could feel, express, and unleash decades of what had been silenced, stifled or dismissed.

Enter therapy.

My counselling journey helped me cultivate self-awareness and compassion around my experiences. This awareness grew into a practice of creating micro-moments of pause. From this newfound space of reflection, I began to explore and process my emotions, uncover false narratives (imposed or self-constructed), and began to adopt new beliefs that actually served me. And yes, this disappointed others. And yes, there was guilt.

But, what overrode the guilt was a sense of freedom and ease that came with having choices. Something I rarely had growing up. There was pushback from those who were used to (or benefitted) my old ways of being agreeable but I was committed to embodying this new sense of freedom and self-trust. I understood myself better and therefore spent less and less time fixated on figuring out everyone and everything else. That didn’t mean I was comfortable. It meant I felt a sense of safeness while uncomfortable.

Where I am now

At 36, I went back to school to become a counsellor, juggling work, motherhood and a relationship. I got married at 38 (late as it seems by Aunty's standards) to an incredible man and established my counselling practice at 39.

Investing in myself took time, energy, and money. Not all of this came easy or readily; however, I recognize being able to pursue something better for myself is a privilege. For that, I am deeply grateful.

I took an unconventional path, defying traditional order. Despite the challenges, this journey revealed my true strength. I'm elated to have embraced this part of myself, and she's here to stay!